Gangster's Paradise
by Hawki
Summary: Movieverse Oneshot: Maybe being stuck on Earth wasn't so bad. In fact, it was something of a gangster's paradise.


**Gangster's Paradise**

"Hey doc. Whatya listen' to?" Sonic asked.

Robotnik didn't answer. He had his eyes closed as he remained seated in his Egg-O-Matic. Earbuds were tucked into his ears and he appeared unperturbed by the scorching heat, or the sand being carried along in the wind.

"Robotnik? You listening?" The hedgehog began tapping his foot impatiently.

Robotnik still didn't answer. He was deaf and blind to the world – a veritable sphinx in the sands of this place, as silent and still as the pyramids that surrounded them.

"Hey! Eggman!"

He actually heard it that time. That, or it was just a coincidence that Robotnik yawned, took out the earbuds, and adjusted himself in his flying machine.

"Oh there you are," he said. "I was beginning to think you'd got lost."

"Yeah, well, when you send your badniks on me, I can get slowed down a little."

"Why Sonic, I never thought you'd admit to any such thing."

The hedgehog shrugged. "You've been trying to kill me with those things for years – slowing me down is a consolation prize at best."

"Hmm."

"Like, the ribbon that gets awarded to the kid on crutches who takes part in the one-hundred metre dash."

"I get the point hedgehog."

"Or the drooling idiot that only gets a d-minus in math despite getting everything wrong. Because, y'know, everyone's a winner."

"I said I get it!" Robotnik snapped.

Sonic smirked. "Aw, struck a nerve did I? So, were you the kid on crutches, or the drooling idiot?"

A laser beam came out of the Egg-O-Matic. With minimal effort, Sonic did a backflip, dodging the projectile.

"Oh I see. You were the kid on crutches _and _the drooling idiot!"

Robotnik didn't say anything. He just sat there, hovering. Not unlike their first encounter in Green Hills, only back then, Robotnik had at least had the decency to try and kill him with a giant wrecking ball. Now, not only had he fallen asleep at his post, but he wasn't even trying to do what he'd failed at attempting for years.

"Idiots," Robotnik murmured. "This planet's full of them."

Sonic frowned. "Bit harsh Eggy, don't ya think?"

"You think I enjoy it, being forced to get brought down to their level?" Robotnik sneered. "You think I enjoy having to hide my grandeur from these, as you put them, drooling idiots who fail at maths?"

"Okay, first of all, he got a d-minus in that analogy, so he didn't technically fail." Sonic said. "Second of all, you, do realize that you're talking about your own kind right?"

Robotnik scowled.

"Hey, what's up with you Eggy?" Sonic asked. "Usually by this point we're at the 'I'll destroy you' or 'I hate that hedgehog' stage of the fight. Heck, you've even dropped the eccentric maniac routine now."

The scowl deepened.

"Like, I don't particularly care. Way I see it, I beat you, the people here get justice for having millions of dollars wasted, I get to go back to Mobius, and I get to do so without you."

"Is that so?" Robotnik sneered.

"Well, yeah. I beat you every time like it's my job, only I'm not getting paid for it." He shrugged. "Well, I get to pick up over a hundred power rings every place I visit, so I guess there's that."

"Over a hundred," Robotnik mused. "No wonder you're still tormenting me with your continued breathing, with all those extra lives."

"What?"

"Never mind. But I must protest you wretched little pincushion."

"Protest about what?"

"You, going home without me," Robotnik said. "I mean, just think about it – how would you cope without your number one nemesis?"

Sonic shrugged. "I'd manage."

"Oh would you?' Robotnik dangled a small white device in his hands – the one he'd been listening to before Sonic arrived. He dialled something in its centre before tossing it to the hedgehog. "Here. Catch."

Sonic caught it, though he kept it at arm's length – not only might it be a bomb, but worse, the ear buds would have some of Robotnik's ear wax.

"Go on, take a listen," Robotnik said.

"Um, sure doc," said Sonic. "I'll play."

As he put the ear phones in, Sonic wondered why he was even doing this. Robotnik was as good as defeated. He'd fled to this place known as Egypt, and Sonic had pursued him using one of his warp rings. His secret was out. The entire world was on the lookout for Doctor Ivo Robotnik for counts of espionage, appropriation, gaslighting, and being a general dick. He'd run out of badniks (or whatever the heck those robots he was using now were called), and all he had was a flying machine that Sonic had smashed more times than he could count. So why the heck was he wasting his time listening to music?

_As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I take a look at my life and realize there's nothin' left._

Fairly catchy music, granted, but music all the same. And not the kind of music that always played whenever he broke open an invincibility monitor.

_What's up with those things anyway? _Sonic looked up at the doctor. "Nice tune doc, but I don't know why you're so caught up in it."

"Keep listening hedgehog."

"Yeah, sure doc. Why not?"

The song kept playing – _Keep spending most our lives, livin' in a gangsta's paradise. Been spending most their lives, livin' in a gangsta's paradise. _

"Do you not see it, hedgehog?" Robotnik asked. "How it describes us?"

"Um…no?"

"This world, all our worlds…are our gangster's paradise." The doctor cackled like something out of a vampire bat movie and cast out his arms across the desert. "You, me, drawn here from across the stars. Fated to be enemies from now until the end of time."

"Um, no," said Sonic. "We're fated to be enemies just until I beat you."

"Oh Sonic, if you had the ability or guts to beat me, you'd have done it long ago. But this…" Robotnik extended his arms even further, nodding at the pyramids. "Look at the sands of eternity. Look at the fruits of those who considered them outside the cycle of time, who believed that civilization would not replace them in time."

_Sweet Special Zone, you've completely lost it._

"Look at the-"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm looking at a lot of things," Sonic snapped. "Sky, clouds, pyramids, and sand. Like the first two, indifferent about the third, and I hate the fourth – it's rough, course, and it gets everywhere."

Robotnik stared at him.

"Yeah, they have movies on this planet too. Weird ones."

"I know."

"Like, they even stole your Death Egg idea. Weird huh? Or…" His eyes widened. "Or you stole it from them!"

"What can I say? Great minds think alike."

"Yeah, except your mind's cracked. Yoke hit the floor long ago."

"Why you-"

Sonic didn't give the good doctor a chance to continue. He just did a spin dash, hitting the Egg-O-Matic with a mighty "bzzt."

_What the?_

He'd been expecting a "clang," or even better, a "boom." But nup. "Bzzt." Who the heck got excited about "bzzt?"

"Foolish hedgehog!" Robotnik exclaimed.

Well, maybe Charmy got excited about "bzzt," but-

"I have a force field!" He cackled, before choking, spitting out sand. "A force field!"

"Wow," said Sonic in a deadpan voice. "A force field. Like, never seen that before. Except at Scrap Brain."

"Shut up."

"And Wing Fortress."

"Shut up!"

"And Flying Battery."

"Blasted rodent, would you shut up?!"

"And-"

"Gah!" Robotnik took off and flew over towards one of the pyramids. Sonic, for his part, just stood there, tapping his foot. Wondering if it would be cruel to end the doctor's schemes here and now, or if it would be better to be cruel and therefore, be kind. Like, put him out of the world's misery before he broke something.

_Yeah, may as well do it now. _Sonic fiddled with the strange device again.

_Everybody's running, but half of them ain't lookin', it's going on in the kitchen, but I don't know what's cookin.'_

The device that was still going on about gangster's paradises, and the cycle of violence, and various philosophical concepts that he didn't really understand, and-

_Man, too depressing. _He fiddled with the tracks list. _What else ya got?_

A new song began playing – _Rolling around at the speed of sound. Got places to go, got to follow my rainbow._

_Yeah, that's better, _Sonic thought. _Now all I need is an actual rainbow._

None was forthcoming. But he did see the path he had to take to the pyramid Robotnik had flown into, so that was something.

_Follow me. Set me free. Trust me and we will escape from the city._

Zooming across the desert sands, thinking of the greener pastures he would hopefully return to, Sonic proceeded to do just that.

Lack of cities notwithstanding.

* * *

_A/N_

_So in regards to the Sonic movie trailer, there's been a lot of criticism, and in my mind, a lot of it is well deserved. However, there is one piece of criticism that I've seen that I don't quite agree with, and that's the use of _Gangster's Paradise_. Now, I'd never even heard of the song until this point (like, I may have heard it, but I certainly couldn't name it), but basically the crux is that because the song is an inditement of the cycle of gang violence, its use in the film cheapens the song's message. I can see what this criticism is getting at, but I don't quite agree - I always saw "gangster's paradise" in the context of the trailer as being a reference to Sonic being able to explore/act at his leisure due to his speed, or, removing any kind of deeper meaning, it's there because it sounds cool. Now, maybe that degrades the song by its nature, but I doubt much thought went into it. Though apparently not much thought went into the movie as a whole._

_Anyway, whatever the case, drabbled this up as a result._


End file.
